Fat Guy's Guide to Low-Cal Fruit Pies

As mentioned before, I am a product of the processed, fast-food nation. I love anything that you can buy in a 7-11. Of course, in Lancaster, there wasn't a 7-11 (you had to drive to the south-side of Columbus for a Slurpee - about 45 mins). There is nothing better than a frozen Coca-Cola and a Hostess Fruit Pie.

The cartoon character Bobby Hill has penchant for the sweet little fatty treats...and so do I. Like Bobby, it is the syrupy gelatinous fruit wrapped in a deep fried, sugar encrusted pie dough. Some of you may be disgusted by that description, but to a true lover of junk food and a poster-child for everything wrong with American food, it is pure heaven.

Of course, those from rural areas or those living near Amish country might know the homemade hand-pies sometimes called "Fry Pies." Like their processed cousins, Fry Pies give you the best of the Hostess neon desserts without the worries. However, I doubt those farmers, the Amish and the Mennonites are worrying about fiber grams, fat grams, etc. I may eat a farmer's breakfast, but I live a professor's life (a lot more chair sitting and podium standing than hay bailing and cow feeding).

Now, the good news. I have found a tasty recipe that works for your hand-pie obsession. Hungry Girl (I know, I know....don't be turned off by the name, guys...SHE'S AWESOME) has a great take on the hand-pie. She used wonton eggroll wrappers for pie crust and a relatively traditional pie filling to keep the pies low in calories and fat. Her recipe can be found HERE.

I am not the best food presentation artist, but here is what I made, and let me tell you, they were good! Crunchy edges, gooey filling and even that wet pie crust bottom that true pie lovers respect (depending on how much longer you cook them than the recipe requests).

Where I was and Where I am going

When I started in January, I was at my biggest, but not my unhealthiest. Vera, my lovely wife, has long ago started me towards healthier choices. She allowed me to slather my broccoli in cheese gravy for the FIRST year of our marriage. She then kindly informed me that if you fry them or cover them in cheese gravy, VEGETABLES CEASE TO BE GOOD FOR YOU!


We have Trader Joe-ing and whole graining our lives for the last decade. I long ago moved to skim milk as I learned as a grad student that it kept much, MUCH longer than 2%. I was making those types of changes, but I still have a penchant for the gooey, uber-processed white bread and the Wonder Whole Grain White bread just doesn't do the trick.

I digress...

When I started - truly started - in January, I allied myself with WeightWatchers. I remember it from my childhood (as my mother often attended meetings), and they had that new annoyingly catchy Jennifer Hudson commercial. It has been a good fit so far. The new focus on healthier eating, rather than hording of points, is a welcomed relief. But that is only one part of the equation. I gotta move.

Now, I have many long-distance running friends who have always had a natural tendency towards health. They wake up at the butt-crack of dawn for a 5 mile jog BEFORE work and then come in tipper and chipper for the day. I don't do this...I may get up at the butt-crack as well, but it is only after a short 3-4 nap from the night before. I have often said that my schedule of debauchery would do them in and their lives of tofu and marathons would do the same to me.

In Decemeber, I had a friend who needed people to be photographed for an art installation that he is creating. He is the "can't-say-no" types who finagle you into being involved with his work (although he has no model's release so I have him over my knee if I'd like...HA!). Anyway, again, I digress...

Above is the picture from that shoot. It gives a good look at the start of this thing. Big, happy and ornry. I plan to stay all three of those things. I don't plan to become a bean pole; I do not plan to bulk/tan up so I can Jersey-Shore-It; I want to be a big, healthy, happy man. I want to enjoy a steak, a smoke or three fingers of single malt, but do so as healthy as I can. Now that I am 25 lbs lost so far, I think it is time to start planning my continued attack.

Why I am Writing This Blog

A little over a month ago, I started a serious journey to become a healthier man. Now, I am not the wheat-grass drinking, whole-grain munchin', organic milk-drinking Whole Foods type. I was raised on a health German-Irish diet of meat and potatoes. I didn't know that fruits could be outside of a pie and that vegetables could be found outside of a can until I was in my mid-20s.

It is not that my parents were negligent...it was the 80's. The craze of the magnificent "Artificially Flavored" food was rampant . Our clothes (AND OUR FOOD) were a shade of neon only found in a crayon box or in some acid-tripper's hallucinations. To boot, I was raised in Appalachia. I do not know what you know of the region, but we are not known for our healthy food. Steamed and non-fat was not in our lexicon. However, gravy, chicken-fried and second-helping was! I remember showing my grandmother just how much I loved her by stuffing my gills full of food from the moment I arrived at her house until the moment we said our goodbyes.

I am not saying all this to excuse who I had become. I merely give it as background. Background information that may help you understand that I AM NOT A DIET GUY! I like my animals grilled (with something starchy and buttery), my meals big, my desserts sweet and my liquor strong. I smoke like a chimney and pretty much lived 15 years not saying "no" to anything.

Something, though, just clicked. Just made me feel that now is the time to get right and now was the time that I have the strength to do it. So I started WeightWatchers in January and began working out this month. I hope that sharing this experience will help other whiskey swilling, dead-cow feastin' men on their paths to getting "right" by their bodies. In the meantime, I hope it at least helps me.